Inside the Pages of Roots

Hello everyone — I hope you’re having a lovely week. Today I’m going to be trying a something a little different as I take a step out of my comfort zone. As I’ve stated in my About page, I’ve recently published a short debut title that is a collection of some of my poetry, which is available on the Amazon Marketplace.

Cover
Click Here

 

The poetry in Carnations in January is in no particular order and is just a compilation of the poetry that I had been working on. Something in my gut told me that I needed to publish something. As a novice poet, I’ve discovered that writing artistically has given me the outlet that I desperately needed. Which is why I’d like to give a little preview of what I’m currently working on.

Trigger Warning

Below is an excerpt from the first page.

When I was young, I was fascinated with the idea of becoming an author when I grew up. If I wasn’t reading during my spare time, you would have caught me reading on the sofa or in the school’s library – I spent a lot of time there when I was in middle school. Needless to say, writing was a dream of mine. However, as I began to grow I noticed that I enjoyed it less and less. I quit reading. Pretty soon I had quit writing entirely. I felt like all of the creativity that I used to have just disappeared. Was this growing up? Yes and no.

Depression is what drove my passion away. For years I let it control my life. Who I used to be is lost and I’m desperately trying to find her. This book represents retracing my steps and following my roots back to my core, digging through my traumas in attempt to pull myself out of the swamp of negativity that’s now my mind. Each chapter will have a theme of a significant time in my life, something good or bad that changed who I am forever.

This is for me.

 Accepting that I had depression was one thing — but trying to fix it was another. I knew that I needed an outlet and I knew that coming to terms and accepting my trauma was going to feel like re-opening a wound and digging around in it. At first I was apprehensive about writing it all out. What if it was awful? What if it didn’t make sense? What if people think it’s garbage? All I could hear were the What If’s. I cared too much about what other people were going to think of my writing, and that attitude wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I leaped into the world of the unknown and tossed my worries aside, which was much easier said than done.

I was inspired to name this book Roots, because digging through all of the dirt and muck in my mind was going to lead me back to who I was. I knew that writing was going to be difficult, but with each page that I added, it’s as if weight was lifted off of my shoulders. My traumas were tangible and right in front of me printed in black and white. That meant I was human.

Many poems in the book represent some of my most profound experiences that shaped me into who I am today. As much as I’d like to say they were good experiences, this is a book filled with my traumas and is not a light-hearted read. The book is split up into four chapters with a specific theme, representing somewhat of a chapter timeline of my mental illness

Listed below are four poems, one from each chapter.

“I was born

dripping with sadness

in a world that

didn’t believe

sadness existed.”

– N.H.

 

“Don’t you

dare

tell me to

look on the

bright side

when you have

never

seen the

darkness.”

– N.H.

 

“She had lost

who she was

between the cracks

of sleepless nights

spent screaming

and the days

spent pretending

that nothing

ever

happened.”

– N.H.

 

“Suicide

was the

elephant

in the room

and I wanted

so badly

to address it.”

– N.H.

 

As you can see, the poetry is representing some of the darkest points of my life. Every day is still a battle with mental illness, some days worse than others. But healing is not linear, and I think that’s something that we all need to remember.

My publishing date is still being determined, but it will be sometime in 2018. Thanks so much for reading and don’t forget to check out my book that I’ve linked above!

 

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Mysterious Baking Skills Appear?


Before I got pregnant, and I mean way before. Before my son was even a thought in my mind, I had a knack for ruining absolutely everything that I baked. Every Christmas while I was decorating the tree, I’d have a batch of homemade cinnamon sugar cookies in the oven. However, they were never necessarily good. It was just a way to get my pent up holiday cheer out. And it was a sad, sad way. They were the flattest and hardest cookies you would ever see, and would taste starchy.

Cake mix in the box didn’t even stand a chance against me. I would end up doing something wrong. I had officially given up Baking. I was convinced that I was incapable. The funny part is, I was actually a cake decorator in a bakery for a year and a half. I could decorate extravagant wedding cakes, but I couldn’t bake a cake!

A week or so ago, a huge storm slammed into the west coast. It brought rain all weekend, and we anticipated on losing power. We stocked up on candles, batteries, flash lights, and even canned food. And I decided to get into what the season is all about. Baking a pie with a warm fire going as it rained cats and dogs outside sounded heavenly to me.

Since I’m not skilled with Baking, I picked up some pre-made pie crusts and canned apple filling. I figured that it was going to burn or just turn out completely disastrous. But along with pregnancy, I mysteriously gained motherly Baking skills. This pie was so sweet and flaky to eat, especially curled up and reading a book. I couldn’t help but share the lattice top I did with the cute little pumpkins and ribbons. However, I can’t take all of the credit considering nothing was homemade! Thank you, Pillsbury.

With love,

Natasha. ♥